March 2015 - Now Showing: Jupiter is Ascending in my pants

Andrew Ragealotski, Angry Men Reviews

This movie is bad. Like really bad. I can easily tell why they didn’t release it last summer and instead pushed it to the death valley of movie release times, early February.

I will say as you watch this movie, it could have been a great movie. There are a bunch of ideas in here that could be made into another multi movie property that could have kept the Wachowskis going for another decade. In the end it felt that someone didn’t have the balls to believe it would be successful and told them to push it all into one meal, like your mom tries to do with any pie she comes across. So in this case it isn’t the concept that ruined this movie because I found it super interesting, it isn’t that acting that ruins this movie as just about everyone at least put in a competent performance, and it wasn’t really the script even if some of the romantic dialog got corny at times (at least it didn’t get Anikin Skywalker level of corny). No, this movie felt like it was killed in the editing room.

This movie jumps around more than your sister in a NFL player’s dorm room, leaving the viewer just sitting there going “What the hell was that all about?”. For example there is a kind of fun scene when some common honey bees respond to Jupiter (Mila Kunis) because they can sense she is “Royalty”, but then they never explain what the hell royalty is in their universe! Are they just heads of giant corporations? Are they actual rulers? If so then after Jupiter becomes a Queen why can’t she just start yelling “Off with their head!” and just take power away from her rivals? Give me some FUCKING ANSWERS people! You aren’t being mysterious, your being jackasses of fucking epic proportions! Look, I don’t need every little detail, just the ones that fucking HAVE TO DO WITH THE STORY!

Sorry, I just lost it a bit there, but I called your mom and let her talk dirty to me for a while and now I feel much better.

Anyway, even with how horrible it is, this may be one of those “So bad it’s good” kind of things. The action is good, the visuals are outstanding, and Channing Tatum looks like one of the hobbits from Lord of the Rings while having boots that let him surf everywhere.

So yeah, maybe if you take a bunch of drugs, hit yourself in the head a few times, then watch the movie, you may like it. Or, maybe you are some kind of movie masochist like me and somehow find enjoyment out of the most painful movie experiences. I still like “Howard the Duck” dammit!